(drumroll)
(rousing orchestral fanfare playing)
(fanfare ends)
TEENAGE GI RL: I was in seventh grade...
when I realized I was invisible.
(flashbulb pops)
Well, not that kind of invisible.
No, it was more like I was just, you know, kind of...
Anonymous. A-N-O-N-
l-M-O-U-S.
Anonymous.
MALE MODERATOR: I'm sorry. That's wrong.
W-O-R-N-G. Wrong.
TEENAGE GI RL: It's not that I didn't try.
I mean, I was always a real...
Loser.
L-O-S-E-R. Loser.
MALE TEACHER: Homework for tomorrow...
Of course, when it came to love...
Pass it on.
Yeah. That sucked.
S-U-C-K-E-D. Sucked.
There was another thing working against me.
Hi.
Hey. I'm Justin. I live just next door...
and, uh, my mom sent me over...
with these brownies or something.
Oh, hi. I'm Kate. W-We just moved here.
I mean, duh- the boxes and everything...
Holy jama lama.
KATE: That other thing is... my mom.
Hi. I'm Lori.
(chuckles)
Um... I made these for you.
Be careful; you're hot. I mean...
they're hot.
So hot.
She's never had any trouble landing men.
She's just had trouble keeping them.
I used to keep track, but I found it exhausting.
So, I just call 'em all... Skip.
Hi, Kate.
I'm going... to be... your new... father.
KATE: Maybe we shouldn't...
get ahead of ourselves now, Skip.
It's, uh, it's Steve, kiddo.
Why do you keep calling me Skip?
KATE: Because, eventually...
that's what they all do.
It's happened so many times that my mom's developed...
a very mature reaction.
A quick therapy session... or two... or three...
and then we pack up the car and flee to another town.
Okay, maybe being invisible does have its advantages.
LORl: Excuse me!
Because, moving all the time...
I never had to deal with the whole "awkward good-bye"thing.
BOY: All right, guys, here we go.
GI RL: I'm open!
- (cheering) - KATE: There's me.
It wasn't easy, but in just a few short months...
I went from "sort of unknown"to...
Are you a narc?
KATE: But enough about me.
This story isn't even about me.
It's about him.
John Tucker.
(cheering)
KATE: Let's face it. He is the man.
Captain of the basketball team, his family's loaded...
and he looks somewhere between an Abercrombie model...
and a Greek god.
GI RLS: Tucker!
Let's go, John! Kill the Bobcats!
Not real bobcats. I mean, they're endangered.
(buzzer blares)
- (wild cheering) - (band playing)
GI RL: This is Carrie Schaefer.
It's no question who's taking the Kodiaks to State this year.
John Tucker here, also known as "Tuck"...
- "T-Man," "T-Dog..." - T-Dog!
...some people call me "T-Money"...
but I'm best known as "El Capitan."
- (dance music plays) - BOY: Ho-ho, Heather!
(cheering)
Whoo-hoo!
(dance music continuing)
BOY 2: Shake it, baby!
Short skirts equals talent. Yay.
(dance music continuing)
Heather's hot!
(song continuing)
(music ends)
- (crowd cheering) - Go, Kodiaks!
CHEERLEADERS: Go Kodiaks!
Hey. Table six.
KATE: I remember the first time...
I spoke toJohn Tucker.
It's not like he blew me away or anything.
I mean, I was totally in control.
- Hi. - Yes.
I mean... no.
L-I mean, y...
I'm... not quite ready to order.
Thanks.
KATE: Please tell me I did notjust curtsy.
- What was I thinking? - (Kate sighs)
Of course a guy like that already has a girlfriend.
That's Carrie Shaeffer.
Runs the school TVstation...
not to mention the Honor Society...
Junior Achievers, 4-H Club...
Future Filmmakers of America, Big Sisters...
Adopt-A-Shut-In, and... I think that's it.
I've decided to write a children's book.
KATE: Oh, and she's writing a children's book.
(speaking French)
Mm! You are so sexy when you speak French.
Mm... (speaking French)
Uh, do you guys... want a minute?
KATE: Whoa, scratch that.
He's got two girlfriends.
That one's Heather, head cheerleader.
Sort of self-explanatory.
And Molly's all...
"Why don't we 'Stomp, Fight, Roar?"'
"Stomp, Fight, Roar?"
- I know! - (scoffs)
I mean, at halftime? What a dud.
Two green salads, dressing on the side.
Salmon for her. Lobster for me.
I love when you do that.
I love doing that.
I love that you love that I love you doing that.
And... no need to rush between courses.
That top... Iooks so hot on you.
I bet it's even hotter off of you.
JOHN: Never been here before, babe...
so I hope they have good vegetarian.
KATE: Okay, stop it already.
Three girlfriends?
JOHN: Oh, no! Veal?
I'm sorry. Let's just go.
You know, if I wanted to torture animals...
I'd go to a medical lab.
Hey.
(sighs) Which...
I would never do, 'cause they... torture animals.
KATE: Okay, I'm not passing judgment...
but, for whatever reason...
being a vegan teen activist is usually code for "easy."
You know, for you, I don't have to give up all meat.
KATE: See? I'm not making this stuff up.
KATE: I don't get it.
I mean, these girls all seem so confident and cool.
How do they not know...
thatJohn's cheating on all of them?
He's a total operator.
He goes out with girls from different cliques...
so that they never actually talk to each other.
(chuckles) And then he tells them that his father...
won't let him date during basketball season...
so they'll have to keep it a secret.
How'd you learn all this stuff?
(sobbing): I don't know. Just a guess.
- Hey, there he is. - Yo, bro.
(indistinct conversations)
- He did? - Yeah, totally.
Hold on, one second.
Hey. Yeah, actually...
JOHN: What's up, fellas?
(indistinct greetings)
What's up, man?
Yo, Tuck!
Agua, please? And some popcorn.
(song p/aying)
What's up, girl?
Hey.
Lookin' good.
(song continuing)
GI RL: Hey, Johnny.
Hey.
(song continuing)
JOHN: You got something sweet for me?
Of course.
I don't know.
(song continuing)
KATE: John was confident...
in his system forjuggling girls...
but even he couldn't anticipate the events of Black Tuesday.
(sighs)
(groans)
- (body thuds) - GI RL: Oh, my gosh!
Coach Claypoole! Are you all right?
KATE: How was he to know...
Coach Claypoole had acute angina?
It wasn'tJohn's fault.
It was a pre-existing condition, and she stabilized...
and took early retirement in Sun City, Florida.
John Tucker.
KATE: Anyway, the point is...
Coach Claypoole is in the hospital...
so we're combining all first period gym classes.
(girls groan)
Yeah, yeah, I know. We all hate each other.
GI RL: No, we hate you.
(scattered laughter)
Okay. Jennifer, Alison, Molly...
Sarah, Denise and Kimmi, this side!
My name is Lucretia!
On this side, I want Beth, Carrie, Heather and...
what's-your-face.
I'm Kate. Kate.
All right, ladies... let's play ball!
You're Heather, right? I'm Kate.
So?
You weren't at the party last night. Where were you?
Well, this is totally on the DL. I mean, not fit to print.
I'm dating... John Tucker.
- Hey! - (ball pings)
Sorry. It slipped.
Okay. All right. I'm fine.
Okay, everybody. Let's play.
- (ball pings) - (scattered laughter)
You know what?
That was no accident!
He's mine! Stay away from him!
Oh, you little brat!
Oh! Girls! Peace and love! Come on!
No guy is worth fighting over! Stop!
There's nothing to fight about!
John Tucker's mine!
Oh!
What the hell is your problem?
I am dating John Tucker.
- (other girls gasp) - (Beth shrieks)
- (ball thuds) - (whistle blows)
Enough!
GI RL: She knocked her out.
(huffs)
Let's get back in the game.
(yells)
(screaming and shouting)
I said, "Enough!" Stop it, Beth.
- (ball pings) - (groans)
CARRI E: Darn it, Coach. Let me at her!
- Just let me get them! - Put those balls down!
Put those balls down! Put down those balls!
(clamoring)
COACH: Just stop!
(shouting and shrieking)
(blows whistle)
(clamoring stops)
This guy is cheating on all of you...
and instead of taking it out on him...
you're beating the shit out of each other?!
COACH: Language!
(grunts and pants)
Detention. You, you, you and you!
Honestly.
(sighs)
Who is that?
I don't know. Pam... something.
(grunts)
(school bell rings)
(singing loudly, off-key):
Uh...
Sorry, it's, uh...
Cheap Trick. I understand.
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
Yeah, you can't really hum to Cheap Trick.
No, once you've started...
you're kind of obligated to... to belt it out.
(whispering): Yeah.
I'm Scott.
You're from... Chemistry, right?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm-I'm Kate.
So, um, where is everybody?
Detention?
You-You came early to detention?
Oh, um, well, it's, you know...
I would hate to m-m-miss a minute...
of being... detained.
JOHN (in distance): Hey, babe.
GI RL: Hey, John.
I had a great time with these two on the beach.
Ugh...
Oh. Wow.
That's not, uh, usually the reaction he gets from girls.
It's generally more like a...
(high-pitched sigh)
(passionate moans and groans)
(chuckling): Yeah, okay.
"Jerk" isn't really my type.
Yeah, you're right.
He can have his jerk moments.
Oh. I thought he was you guys'... god, or whatever.
You're close. He's my older brother.
Oh. You're the other Tucker?
What is that? Is that, like, "the loser Tucker"?
Oh, no, no. That's not what I meant.
I just... you just don't look...
Hot, buff, or capable of inciting an all-girl smackdown?
No, you're right.
Naw, it's-it's cool.
I'll let you in on a secret, though.
My mom...
says I'm special on the inside.
Good for you.
Yeah.
John? Can I talk to you for a sec?
Yeah, sure.
Later, guys.
BOY: Later, man.
So, what's up?
In PE today, some loser said that she went out with you.
Really? And you believed her.
No, I mean, I don't know.
You can't have a girlfriend...
...in basketball season.
But...
if I could... you know who it'd be.
(song playing)
You know, I don't know why girls say stuff like that.
I mean, I think they're just...
jealous of what we have.
Because we share something special.
Something we don't have to label.
You know, it's... it's an unspoken bond.
And I love how secure you are.
MAN: All right.
Detention has begun.
I'll be right back.
And no talking!
So, I talked toJohn.
It was sweet.
He felt bad for you.
He said that you were jealous because...
we share something special.
Something that...
we didn't have to label because it's...
BETH: Because it's our unspoken bond...
and I just love how secure you are?
And it hurts me to hear you question it?
Because you're the...
CARRI E, HEATHER & BETH: ...only girl for me?!
(gasps)
HEATHER: Damn!
He said the same thing to all of us.
Figures. He makes up with us...
and then he hooks up with us...
(whispering): You guys hooked up?
John and I share something special.
Oh, what, that you've both been in your pants?
We share a vegan/nonviolent outlook on life.
(coughing): Hippie slut.
BETH: Oh, nice, Heather.
It's not like everyone doesn't know...
that Little Miss Cheerleader brings it on.
- (squeaks): Look... - You, too?
- John and I belong together. - (Carrie sighs)
He is the team captain, and I am...
the head cheerleader.
BETH (chuckling): Oh, I'm sorry...
what kind of cheerleader?
Oh, like he'd take either of you two seriously!
- Do not lump me with her! - Oh, so, what...
- now you're better than me? - Shut up.
- What? - Excuse me? - What?
Sorry. S-Sorry.
You have something to say?
Uh...
No, it's none of my business.
What?
Okay, let me guess.
Does he always use pet names like "baby"...
and "sweetheart"?
Yeah, it's not out of affection.
It's so he won't mix up your names.
And-And he's all about an unspoken bond...
or something special, but never about a relationship.
A-And the whole arrangement was your idea...
so you feel guilty that he cheated.
Oh, my God. You're dating John, too.
No, uh...
No. I just knew a guy like him.
Skip.
She's right. I mean, he's always making me feel guilty.
- Yeah. - KATE: It seems to me...
that if a guy treats you like that, it...
You'd break up with him. Blah-blah-blah-blah.
John would have another girlfriend in a second.
No, I didn't say, "break up."
I'd get even.
Who are you?
BETH: I know!
You're that girl who wigged out last year and got sent to rehab!
No, I...
Then you got taken away for bulimia.
- No. - Fat camp?
- No. (chuckles) My name's... - Hey! No talking!
- My name is... - No... talking!
(song playing)
LORl: Hey, honey!
I'm in a hurry.
I've got a... big date tonight.
Drummer?
(chuckles) Doctor.
Well, veterinarian. (chuckles)
Technician.
- So you're dating a dog nurse. - (chuckles)
You've... got a friend at the door.
What?!
(song playing faintly)
LORl: Have fun, girls!
Kate, right?
Yeah. Kate.
I wanna bring down you-know-who.
Normally I'm opposed to the slaughter of animals...
but in John Tucker's case, I'll make an exception.
KATE: I don't even know him.
BETH: So? You don't know anyone.
You're like the Swiss. You're neutered.
Uh, it's neutral. Kate, if the three of us...
tried this alone, we would kill each other.
You brought us here. You showed us that we have...
something in common.
Exactly. We all wanna killJohn Tucker.
Wow.
Okay.
BETH: Learning Center?
Who knew this was here?
Look at him, struttin' his stuff like he owns the place.
BETH: Well, he does.
CARRI E: For now.
This way.
Don't touch anything.
Wow.
You spend way too much time in after-school programs.
Thank you.
Beth, can you get the lights?
It's the remote... labeled "lights."
Okay, guys. Let's go.
Please try and pay attention, and all cell phones off.
Kate... do your thing.
My thing? Oh, okay.
What... is it that attracted you toJohn?
Kate, I like where you're going with this.
Okay, girls, we need to defineJohn.
He's a statue wrapped in a painting...
in a frame made of muscles.
But what makes him tick?
Is it that charm? Is it that smile?
Is it that perfect tan?
What is it, girls? Dig deep.
It's everything.
It's his eyes...
his lips, his chest, the...
the way that, when he holds you...
his whole body kinda tightens...
Uh, we all know what happens when boys get happy.
Not what I meant!
You guys, save it forJohn, okay?
Look, back to the point. We all agree he's hot.
So, what do we do?
Well, in cheer, we usually tear down the other team...
by undermining their confidence, makin' 'em feel lame.
I don't think this is a case for...
"U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi."
Shut up.
Heather, as much as I hate to admit this... you have a point.
KATE: Right.
And-And sinceJohn's game is that he always has a date...
to get even with a guy like that, you make him... undatable.
Yes.
- (typing) - Undatable.
A systematic destruction...
of all that is John Tucker.
(electronic explosion)
Girls... I think I have an idea.
I'm telling you, babe...
you could make your looks work for you.
Don't you think, Robert?
You know, Robert knows my mom...
and he shoots for Vogue, Elle, GQ.
And of course he's done...
all my yearbook photos since middle school on recycled paper.
ROBERT: Okay, John.
The trick is just relax...
and behave naturally, yeah?
Now pout for me, John! Pout!
More pouting, yeah! Oh, yeah, I love you.
I love you. Now make me hate you!
Hate me! Yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, you hate me! Oh, you hate me, John!
Nice, nice, nice! Now you're a tree.
It's windy. Shake your branches!
- Big storm, John. - It's good.
Big storm. Bigger, bigger, bigger.
Now hate me, John.
Hate me.
Oh, you hate me, John!
(indistinct voices)
It is so amazing that you're into sculpture.
I mean, what are human beings here for if not to, you know...
make... horses and stuff out of clay?
Really? I'm so glad you feel that way.
Totally.
GI RL: Hey, isn't that you?
I do some part-time male modeling.
- Really? - Yeah.
I didn't know that.
- JOHN: Can I have a sip? - Yeah.
(audience groaning)
WOMAN: I know that guy!
Um...
What?! No, I...
I don't have that.
(spectators groaning and laughing)
Holly... l-l-I don't have that!
God, ooh. Don't touch me.
- Don't touch me. Don't touch me. - Holly, wait!
Holly!
WOMAN: That's him!
What? No, that's not real.
I only model as a guy with herpes.
(shouting and derisive laughter)
MAN: Goin' to the free clinic, Tuck?
KATE: Rule #1 in warfare:
Never underestimate your opponent.
GI RL: Oh, I love you, Tucker!
I don't personally suffer from an STD...
but one in five young adults do.
And I am proud to give my voice to the silent.
That's right, baby!
- (loud smooch) - Thanks!
Okay, it should've worked.
I mean, are we missing something?
- I am. My social life. - LORl: Hey!
Hey, Ms. Spencer.
"Lori," please.
So, what are you girls up to?
- Destroying a man. - Ooh, who do I make my check out to?
HEATHER: He's totally indestructible.
We give him herpes, they give him an award.
Fake herpes, Mom. N...
It was a whole reputation thing.
It's a long story.
Sure. Yeah, the old " fake herpes, reputation..." thing.
You know, um...
I can unpack the groceries if you've got... stuff.
I get it. All right.
Play nice, girls. Hmm.
(rock song playing faintly)
Okay, your mom is so hot!
She does Yogalates.
Carrie, what are you always typing on there?
Oh, lists... normal stuff, same as everyone.
I have my "To Do" list, my "Goals" list...
my "Contingency" list, my "Observations"...
my "Notions," which, of course, are very different...
because "Observations" require a topic sentence...
and "Notions" do not.
Normal stuff.
Right. Normal.
BETH: Totally.
Well, at least I'm not medicated.
Excuse me. This is an all-natural beauty supplement.
(scoffs)
What are you taking?
Estrogen? Heather!
They torture innocent horses for this.
It's made from their pee.
Peeing isn't torture. Menopause is.
I steal it from my mom.
Guys take steroids to get pecs.
I just wanna go up a cup size.
KATE: I don't think it works like that.
It stops your natural hormone production.
Yeah, and when you run out...
you're gonna grow a mustache and a penis.
Are you serious?
Okay, you guys, we've gotta get back toJohn.
Okay. What we need is one major hit...
that's gonna crush his whole macho thing, you know?
We need him to understand what it feels like to be us.
KATE: Right.
And what's more terrifying to a man than...
not being manly?
(rock song playing faintly)
(chuckles)
COACH: I wanna see a three-man weave from center.
Two hands, Matt.
You, too, Chris.
All right, keep it goin' now!
PLAYER: All right, here we go.
COACH: Alex, you, too. Come on. Pick it up.
(rock song playing faintly continuing)
COACH: Better, Tucker.
Take a drink, you guys.
What's up, babe?
Hey.
How you doin'?
Good.
(sighs)
(sniffs)
Um, are you tryin' to bulk up?
Yeah. Coach has me drinkin' 'em twice a day.
Oh... not working.
I mean, the slim look works for some guys, but...
you're definitely losing tone.
I'm losing tone?
Yeah. Maybe you should double up doses.
Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for the heads-up, babe.
(blows kiss)
(rock song playing faintly continuing)
(rock song ends)
Hey.
Oh.
(chuckling): Hey.
Hey, can I ask you a favor?
Uh, I'm-I'm in need of a lab partner.
I was with Alex, but...
he got burnt pretty badly in an experiment, so...
Oh. Well, before I say yes...
how exactly did he get burned?
Uh, well, that is open to interpretation...
because he will say that it was my fault, but I clearly said...
"Dear God, man, you're on fire.
Run for your life."
A clear warning.
Yeah.
Okay. Well, uh, you can start by measuring...
40 milliliters into that graduated cylinder.
All right.
(sighs)
Whoa. Slow down.
Huh? All right. (chuckles)
Get down at eye level.
And wait till the bottom of the meniscus is at that line.
I'm-I'm sorry. The meniscus?
Wait till the curvy part is at the doodad.
All right.
Slowly.
Stop right... there.
- Oh! - Oh!
Oh, God! I...
Oh, my gosh!
Shit, I spilled it! What do I do? What is this?
- Sodium chloride suspension. - Oh, God. I have to get...
- Ow, it's burning. - Really?
'Cause, uh, sodium chloride is... saltwater.
Ah, it's burning!
Oh. Well, okay.
Then I didn't burn myself.
It just kinda... Iooks like I peed.
- (chuckles) - Hey!
Hey, all right. All right. This is just silly!
This is...
TEACHER: Hey! Cool it.
SCOTT: Yeah, Kate.
Geez, cool it.
(crowd cheering)
(cheerleaders chanting)
What?
(whistle blows)
Lay off. That's sensitive.
I'm sorry, princess.
Did you chip a nail? Really, how many times do I...
have to flush before you go away?
Play clean.
Hey, if I wanted to listen to an asshole, I would've farted.
That's an awful thing to say.
(whistle blows)
REFEREE: We got a technical foul: 23 with a push.
He started it. He's bein' mean.
(cheerleaders chanting)
Dude, that's mine! I got low blood sugar!
I need it.
Do my thighs look fat in these shorts?
(whistle blows)
FANS (chanting): De-fense! De-fense!
PLAYER: John!
Come on, John!
What? Why are you lookin' at me like that?
I'm open!
Fine!
You see? Now look what you made me do.
- Time, ref. - (whistle blows)
John, you okay?
Yeah. Why? Don't I look okay?
'Cause I feel okay. I feel fine.
I'm great. What are you saying?
I'm saying focus.
We got one minute left on the clock to finish this game.
I'm in it.
On three. One-two-three...
ALL: Kodiaks! (growling)
(marching band playing, crowd cheers)
(slow-motion growling)
(crowd gasping)
(coughs)
(whistle blows)
Tucker. Tucker, are you okay?
Can you finish the game?
No.
(voice breaking): L-l-I'm anxious and bloated...
and... my nipples hurt.
Don't be a pansy-ass!
We need ya. Get up. Let's go.
No! I won't!
I mean, i-i-it's always me.
"W-W-We need you, John. Let's go, John.
John-John-John!"
You're always yelling at me...
but you never listen to me.
What about my feelings?
(sobbing)
(crowd murmuring)
KATE: It was a kill-strike...
JOHN: Leave me alone!
...and it landed with shock and awe.
Thanks to us, girls would no longer be...
under the reign ofJohn Tucker's charm.
He had finally fallen from grace...
and we were on top of the world.
GI RL: Bye, guys!
Yo, what's up, guys?
Tommy.
Mm-mm, mm-mm.
What you did on the court last night...
was the most courageous thing I've ever seen any man do.
This is my peer-counseling hotline.
Give it a call anytime you want to talk.
I stay up late.
A real man knows how to feel.
I want to feel a real man.
If you ever need a shoulder or a hug or, you know...
anything... I'm here.
(groans)
KATE: Rule #2 in warfare:
Never, ever, underestimate your opponent.
Hey, sweetie. Can we talk?
Look... I know I wigged out last night.
My peer counselor says I need to look into...
my emotional responsibility.
So, I've been doing some "me" work...
and, uh, it's really been clearing things up.
Hmm.
And, well, you know there's only one girl for me.
But... I don't think that girl is you.
I mean, we had a fun run.
You know? I'm just ready to find...
something deeper, more complex.
So... we good?
(song playing)
(song playing continuing)
Well... he dumped me.
That shallow bastard thinks I'm not complex?
You, like, invented complex.
I'm so depressed, I couldn't even enjoy the break-up sex.
Oh, my God, I'm such a slut!
Ow!
- (laughing) - Oh, God!
I can't believe I ate meat for him.
I mean, it was fish...
Still, I don't eat anything with a face.
Mm, try this. It's really good.
Chocolate on chocolate.
Oh, yeah.
Chocolate is theJohn Tucker... of all snack food.
What, it's gotta get with every candy on the shelf?
No, no, no, chocolate makes everything better.
My mom says that it can even mend your broken heart.
You know, I was thinking...
instead of doing all this...
we should've just broken his heart.
What?
Heather, that's pretty genius.
Yeah, except he broke up with everybody.
Not... everybody.
What? I...
- No. - Mm-hmm.
I can't do that.
- I don't even like him. - So?
You're not really gonna be dating him.
You'll be pretending.
Exactly.
Look, I know what you're thinking.
"I'm not as pretty as Heather.
"I'm not that smart.
"I'm not that...
experienced."
(laughing)
(whispers): That's true.
But you have us.
And we can make you into anything. If we combine...
all of us, we can make him fall in love with you-
I mean really fall in love- and then we'll...
yank it all out from under him.
This is gonna be so good!
No, it's just not gonna work. I...
Kate, look...
I know you think I'm just a superficial cheerleader...
but... I do have feelings...
and they got crushed because of your idea.
I used all my mom's estrogen pills...
and now she looks like Bernie Mac.
(stifled laughter)
(whispers): Sorry.
You guys, I...
You know what? Forget it.
You couldn't pull it off anyway.
Let's go.
CARRI E: Oh, well.
BETH: All right.
KATE: Wait.
(chuckles)
Just tell me what to do.
- Yes! - Oh!
- (chuckles) - Ha!
HEATHER: Now, the first step is so easy.
There's one thing John Tucker cannot resist.
Okay, girls. This is Kate...
and she'll be taking Nancy's spot.
- What? - Well, you know, you've...
got that bum leg and everything. Sorry!
But it's just a sprain.
The doctor said I'd be better in a week.
Maybe next year, kiddo. You fought a good fight, though.
Okay, pyramid! Kate, you're on top.
What? No, no, no. I get dizzy in high heels.
Come on!
John loves girls on top.
Of the pyramid! Hello!
Trust me, it's an honor.
Molly's been waiting three years to get up there.
Right, Molly?
(grunts)
Yeah, you go ahead.
It's your first day. You earned it.
Okay. Up-up-up!
Good.
Straight legs.
(grunts)
Nice and steady.
Big smile!
(Kate shrieks)
I did it!
Kodiaks, attack!
(all yelling and grunting)
KATE: Sorry.
Well, if you can crush John like you crushed Molly...
I think we got it.
Don't be sorry. Be strong.
The most important thing a cheerleader wears...
is her attitude.
Watch this.
BOY: That is hot!
I can do that.
BOY: Hey, how you doin'?
Heather... we're cool, right?
What?
Who's the new cheerleader?
(whispering): Ow.
That's Kate.
(chuckles) She's cute.
Not gonna happen.
She's not into high school boys.
(scoffs)
KATE: That's it?
We just planted the seed.
What'd he say about me? Did he say anything?
- "Cute." - (gasps)
He said that? He really di?
Uh, oh, my gosh. L-I mean...
you didn't even introduce me.
Should I go talk to him?
L-I'll go... No?
What?
(flushing)
Okay, emergency meeting.
I think we're sending Kate in before she's ready.
I... I'm totally ready.
Really? Tell 'em whatJohn said about you.
Oh, what, about me being cute?
Oh. No, it's just a comment.
If anything, it's an insult.
I know he's just getting ready to use me.
Kate, I'm confused, but I thought you said...
you had experience with guys like this.
I do. L-I've watched my mom date a million and one of these guys.
But have you ever dated one?
Have you ever dated a John Tucker?
Have you ever dated... anyone?
- Define "anyone." - (gasping)
Oh, my God! I'm totally not ready! I'm gonna blow this...
No, no, no, no. You're gonna be fine.
All right, stop. Stop.
Okay, look, you'll be fine, okay?
You just gotta remember to be cool and... collected.
Yeah. Be caring and passionate.
Be proud and... aggressive.
You've got to make him chase you, okay?
If it's easy...
he'll move on.
Do you understand?
Mm-hmm. Yes, l-I have it.
It's totally under control.
Okay.
So... he really said you were cute?
Yeah. I mean, that's what Heather said, and... Damn it!
Okay, okay, look.
It's not that hard. Um...
When he speaks to you...
count to three...
in your head before you answer him.
Don't show any interest. Don't even look at him too much.
- Hm. - CARRI E: Yeah, no.
You got it?
I said do you have it?
I was counting to three.
Not that slowly.
We don't want him to think you're retarded.
Um... sorry.
It's my bad.
(chuckling): Bye.
(school bell rings)
(indistinct conversations)
Hey.
John Tucker?
Hi.
So... you must be new.
Well, not "new" new, but...
new to cheer.
Okay, don't tell me.
Tell me Friday night... at dinner.
I'm captain of the team. You're our new cheerleader.
I'm obligated to buy you dinner. School rules.
Thank you, but I'm gonna have to pass.
You busy, or?
Sure. I'm busy. Nice to meet you. Bye.
(whispers): What?
(sighs)
(exhales)
Uh... you know, there's actually...
a pretty decent music scene around here.
You know, if I ever know...
you know, I mean, if I... ever hear of a good show...
I could maybe... you know, I could...
I could let you know...
about that show.
TEACHER: Where are you supposed to be?
You don't belong in this class.
L-I'm just supposed to drop these off.
(song playing faintly)
Thanks.
Uh, excuse me? Who are you?
Whoa. Hey.
What's going on h... What is your name, son?
JOHN (over P.A.): Attention, fellow students.
If Kate is out there in Loudspeaker Land, my number is...
555-6467.
GI RL: Give me a pen.
I'm the captain of the team.
You're our new cheerleader.
I'm obligated to buy you dinner. School rules.
KATE (on monitor): Thank you, but I'm gonna have to pass.
Uh, how'd you guys get this video?
I've been documenting our efforts.
Great! Make a video.
MaybeJohn'll get a role on The O.C.
It's our expose.
We're gonna show everybody the realJohn Tucker.
And how we broke his... heart.
HEATHER: It'll be like...
Prime Time Tucker.
Hasta la vista, motherf...
CARRI E: Stop...
with the rhyming.
BETH: Now, that's good.
Do it like this.
- John... - JOHN: Hey, sweetie.
There's only one guy out there for me...
I just don't think that girl is you.
- BOTH: And you are not... - Not him!
We good?
We are so gonna neuter him!
- Kate, do one. - Uh...
John, there's only one guy out there for me.
- You are not him. - HEATHER: No, don't hold back.
How do you want to be a cheerleader...
with no attitude?
I... don't want to be a cheerleader.
HEATHER: Kate...
everyone wants to be a cheerleader.
Come on, you got to sell it!
John...
there's only one guy out there for me...
- (snaps fingers) - But you are not him.
No.
Kate, this is for every guy out there...
that's ever lied to any girl.
Okay?
(whispers): Okay, action.
John Tucker, there's only one guy out there for me...
but you are not him.
Damn. You are gonna be a legend.
- BETH: Yeah. - (laughter)
(upbeat pop music plays)
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Did you like the flowers?
Uh, yeah, if you're... into that sort of thing.
'Cause... I didn't get a phone call.
I didn't have a pen.
(hip-hop song playing)
(song playing over headphones)
- Scrappy! - Oh!
(laughs)
- Hey, man. - Hey.
So, you're lab partners with Kate, right?
You talk. What's her deal?
(inhales sharply)
Yeah, I don't know, man.
I don't think she's your type, though.
"Girl" is my type.
- (chuckles) - All right, well...
then-then maybe, uh, you're not her type.
She's into stuff like...
old-school Elvis Costello; she listens...
to obscure podcasts;
she reads Dave Eggers.
You know, she's... she's deep, man.
Dude... I'm deep.
I'm dating the Poetry Club.
(whispers): Oh.
KATE: So, John asked you to spy on me?
Yeah, he heard we were lab partners...
so he's having me tail you and find out what I can.
Although, I am supposed to be playing it cool...
and not giving anything away.
You're, like, the worst spy in the world.
Or am I the best spy in the world?
Who's waiting by the phone, and who's chatting up the girl?
- That's true. - Eh?
(yells)
I have a kink. I have a kink in my neck.
That's probably those new cheer muscles of yours.
Are you making fun of me?
Uh, a little bit, yeah.
Um... sorry.
- Yeah, uh... - All right.
- These are your books. - Yeah.
I'm gonna go.
"Go, Fight, Roar."
Yeah. Right. Yeah.
Bye.
(whispers): Shit.
CHEERLEADERS: Here we go, Kodiaks. Here we go!
Yeah, baby!
CHEERLEADERS: Defense!
Hey, I think I totally blew it with John.
I mean, he hasn't even looked at me since I turned him down.
Relax. Kate, this is going to work. I promise.
H-How do you know?
I just know. I promise.
Kate Spencer.
How you doing?
Good. How are you?
Not so good.
See, I like this girl, but she doesn't know I exist.
Tucker! Get in the game!
I'm baring my soul, here, Coach.